I figured it is long overdue that I actually give my own account or statement about this, since I've kinda mentioned it in passing or briefly, despite it probably deserving more respect than that.
It's kind of been a long time coming. While shows were awesome, and any/everyone that frequently came out and supported should know they were a huge part to that, things behind the scenes were rarely consistently positive, and theres no one person to blame. Since I won't throw anyone else under the bus, I'll say that straight up I became very egotistical in terms of claiming to be the band. While that was said jokingly often, it became a source of animosity and unequal responsibilities within the band that made it stagnate miserably.
From a writing standpoint, I feel like some of the authenticity was lost on my end. I feel like we kinda gave in to the comparisons to Brand New, which obviously were flattering, and atleast from my perspective I felt like that the whole persona of dark, gloomy, nasty, bitter misery and keeping with that became the source of writing, and not myself individually. Alot of our songs were basically aural Frankensteins, as I pieced together aspects of completely unlike, and completely dead, past relationships together for the sake of completing a line despite it being inaccurate story-telling. Maybe thats normal, but for me it just felt kinda weird. In general, there was a certain aspect of melodrama about alot of it. Singing really nasty songs about ex's who i'm either distant friends with or at worst barely speak to just felt kind of odd after awhile (and the nastiest/most insulting of songs (deservingly so (mad parentheses)) we even retired early for lack of quality, and i personally felt it was pretty over the top in terms of the content/the way i presented it), and i guess maybe the disconnect within the band made it harder for me to genuinely feel those songs. I dont mean for any of that to take away from what those songs are to me or what they mean to anyone that likes them, by the way.
There are some lines I've written that I just don't believe in at all anymore ("better to have never loved than to ever have loved and lost") and I've undergone some perspective changes over the last few months that in general felt like I couldn't express creatively through Holden Pan. Again, that may very well be a personal deficiency. I've kinda focused more on hope than I have before, and I just feel like with my writing of late it is just far too different from HP. More creative freedom I guess, still singing of and with tension, but I guess with more hope and also probably a somewhat larger scope of topics beyond relationships (growing up, the truly awful state of the music scene, and chicken sandwiches to name a few). HP's dark bravado I think kinda altered my perspective of life, as I feel like I've come to a more natural place of feeling.
May be redundant to say, but it stopped being fun for me after awhile and I guess the attitude change played a part.
Simply, life is about doing what you love. A simple analogy that sums up my view of life is i guess a bit morbid: two guys in their mid-20s die. One lived from wallet to mouth doing mostly volunteer work that he loved, the other devoted his whole life to seeking a job of prestige and wealth. The former is a sad story but there is great solace in the fact he lived his daily life doing what made him happy first and foremost before thinking of any other influence. The latter is perhaps a more complex tragedy, because his life was spent on things of no value to him personally and in the moment, and was set on some abstract future, overriding things that achieve a more genuine everyday happiness with life, self, etc. I love singing, playing shows, and writing songs that come from the heart, so I don't plan on this being the end for me personally. I guess you can kind of consider this partially a new mission statement. Also, I don't think all the members are done working or necessarily done working with eachother, and everyone that paid attention to HP should pay attention to anything any of us puts out next because it'll probably be damn good.
It's been a damn good run and I'd do it all again. If not for this band, I'd probably have better grades and less friends. I think alot of the people I'm closest to now I socialized with in one way or another through this band. We got to record an EP, have 20+ friends come in for gang vocals, and even got to eat at a sonic for that one out-of-state show we played. And I'll always have this mark on my eyebrow from hitting my face on Ricky's guitar, so it's not like I can pretend this whole thing didn't happen or matter, not that I would ever.
I don't know if theres much else left to say, but thanks to everyone thats been in this band, thats supported, quietly stood and politely clapped during our sets, let me hand them free shit and talk about who fucking knows what, booked us, and befriended us.
Please come out to the last few Holden Pan shows
-july 24th @ Vibe Lounge with John Nolan
-july 26th (Dob, am I allowed to announce this thing?)
-aug 8th @ i forgot where, i'm kinda hungry right now, but its in Manhasset
Sincerely, thank you all.
And again, I'm not done with this shit. I won't wake up tomorrow and start playing it safe. Hated the status quo letslikedoandsaythesameshit fucks from my high school too much for that.
p.s. I'm really glad I wrote this instead of going to Taco Bell or ordering Dominos.
